I Thought I Was Okay

I have recently joked candidly with friends that I had been on quarantine for a while already.  Everybody else was just catching up!  Strange enough, as difficult as the pandemic has been for all of us to adjust to, I had a head start that made my transition to this new lifestyle slightly easier.  It was nothing funny or easy about it at all while it was happening, though.  I was downright afraid.

I’ve always been an athlete.  Soccer, marching band, weight-lifting, and racquetball are a few of my past and recent regular activities.  You know how we are when we’re young.  We think nothing can touch us.  No one could tell us we weren’t natural born supermen and superwomen!  Sometimes I think we take that mentality into adulthood with us.  But there’s one aspect we seem to forget every single time.  Not only does the body get weary…the mind does as well.  So, we push, and we push.  We say we’re okay, but deep down, we know we’re not.  We lie to ourselves with a straight face every chance we get…until we crash. 

There’s this old saying I’ve often heard attributed to swimming and other sports, but often in promiscuity and game playing in relationships as well. It says, “Where the head goes, the body follows.”  Or, in the case of the latter, “So goes her mind, so goes her body.” I’m rolling my eyes at that last one (haha!), but it’s true!  It’s not something we openly talk about on the regular, but I’m sure by now most of us ladies (even some gentlemen) can relate to this in some way.  To be honest, if anyone has fallen victim to the game, you really had it half right!  Pursuit of the mind should be the prerequisite of the body.  The question is…Where is your head?  But I digress!  Save this one for another entry (lol).  Now, back to the point…

God has been moving me in this direction for some time now.  I’ve always lived a generally healthy lifestyle, but when my father and my best friend began to face some extreme health challenges, I buckled down to an almost relentless thirst to learn more and pursue a life of health and wellness.  I can’t tell you how many times the sun came up on me as I studied natural homeopathic approaches to regaining health and vitality.  Somewhere along the way, I knew in my spirit that God was telling me to move.  As many of us have done, I pushed it aside.  I was busy teaching, changing career paths to the corporate world, taking care of my dad, school, so on and so forth.  I have no regrets at all!  But I can admit now, I was a complete mess!  Stressed out beyond belief and I just would not sit down for anything in the world.  Then, the unthinkable happened…my father passed away.   

It was the most unbelievable thing that had ever happened to me.  In a sense, part of me believed my dad couldn’t die.  He is hands down the strongest and bravest man I have ever known.  He had overcome so many things over the years.  Why would this time be any different?  But deep down, I knew…this time was different.  I was watching him decline day by day, worrying, not sleeping, writing my dissertation, and still working like crazy.  I just wasn’t in a good place.  I had studied, communicated with his doctors, and tried everything I could to supplement his medical treatments.  I catered to him and served him every single day, and in the end, there was nothing I could do.  I have never felt that kind of helplessness in my life. 

After a little time, I felt God nudging me again.  All I hear is “Move!  Talk to people.  Get out there!”  Silly me, I start asking questions…”Lord, there are a million people doing this.  Why would anyone want to hear anything I have to say?”  As clear as day, my spirit received this message…”You worried about the wrong thing and you asking too many questions.  I said MOVE!” Okay, okay! I threw my hands up and I did just that.  I set concrete plans for this website in motion.  It would be my personal ministry!  My eyebrow was a little raised, but I was excited all the same.  A couple days later, I began feeling extremely weak and lethargic.  I could barely eat and simply could not get any energy.  My sleeping was horrible, and I would often wake up with this buzzing, or vibrating, sensation deep inside my core, which often led to many bathroom trips.  My face even felt heavy.  Over the course of a week, my heart rate became elevated and I couldn’t seem to regulate my body temperature.  I couldn’t walk down the driveway without getting winded and my heart racing.  At this point I was in absolute terror of what could be wrong with me.  Was my iron low?  Could it be perimenopause?  Am I just tired?  Or is it something really bad?

After a trip to the ER over the weekend, an emergency appointment with my doctor, and what was described as “beautiful” bloodwork (twice!), it was confirmed…”Tamara, what you’re dealing with right now are classic symptoms of depression and anxiety.”  So, as I picked my jaw up off the floor, my doctor sent me on my way to pick up the anti-depressants he had prescribed.  I picked them up, set them on my nightstand when I got home, and cried myself to sleep.  I woke up a few hours later, and while I felt like it, drove myself (for a change) to Whole Foods to pick up some natural supplements.  I had decided not to take the medication.  (Please understand that this was my personal choice.  I do not look down on anyone who has chosen to.  Nor am I recommending anyone adopt my approach.)  Over the next several weeks, I focused intensely on prayer, meditation, breathing exercises, reading, and sleep.  Day in and day out.  When I was ready, I added daily Yoga to my practice.  It was at this point I realized three things.  One, my dad did overcome.  Two, all that burning the midnight oil studying wasn’t just for my father and my best friend, it was for me as well.  Lastly, I had asked God why anyone would listen to me…and He gave me a testimony.

So goes the mind.  So goes the body.  I had already accumulated stress over the years.  Even some mental mess I was probably dealing with as far back as college.  Each journey is unique, but imagine all of the things we accumulate over the years from career, to finances, family obligations, relationship issues, grief, loss, and even the things we place on ourselves like weight and body image that make us feel unworthy and sorry for ourselves.  We can literally become a mess!  When I lost my dad, I did okay for a little while after the initial shock.  But eventually I began to experience my grief in a very unhealthy manner.  That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  Thinking back, I remember telling close friends (even before my dad passed) that I felt I might be developing issues with anxiety.  But really…I thought I had it under control.  When it actually happened, it was in the back of my mind, but naaaaahhh!!  I thought I had life by the reins.  Needless to say, I did not. 

So many people today are dealing with diagnosed and undiagnosed depression and anxiety.  These are both issues that naturally occur in every person, but when we fail to tend to ourselves, it can literally wreak havoc in our lives.  The experience of losing my father changed me instantaneously.  In many ways, (if you know me) I am not the same person you knew before that life event.  I’m sure many of you can relate to this truth.  The experience of dealing with depression and anxiety has also changed my outlook on life tremendously.  I’m not a big multi-tasker like I used to be.  I could do it…but why?  I no longer do anything I don’t want to do (lol).  For what?  I have to look out for me.  That responsibility belongs to no one but me.  And guess what…the same goes for you! 

Now, hopefully I’m not beginning to sound selfish to you, because I promise I’m not.  I argue that this outlook is actually healthy and necessary for us all.  Sometimes we have a tendency to complicate life by not appreciating the simple things.  Everything is a rush to the finish.  We just have to meet the number of expected daily tasks at work.  We make other people and big companies rich with our gifts while we give ourselves zilch.  We go home tired and unable to interact or spend quality time with our families because of this approach to life we’ve been suckered into over the years.  We get up every morning and do it over and over again.  We complain and we never change.  We never do anything different.  It’s complete insanity. 

Learned behavior is what it is!  Everyday we hustlin’, right?  But what are we hustlin’ for?  Don’t go quit your job now! (lol)  I’m not saying we should all stop working hard or striving for our dreams…I know I haven’t!  What I am saying is that it’s extremely important to stop regularly to express gratitude.  Honor your vessel and live well.  This means listening and paying attention to yourself.  Expressing yourself and being mindful of your needs.  Then, and only then, will we have the ability to adequately serve others.  I challenge you…If you’re tired, listen to that and put things into perspective…consider approaching things differently.  The Father came so that we may have life more abundantly.  When we stop worrying and asking so many questions, we clear the path for Him to work in our lives the way He desires.  I thought I was okay, but I wasn’t.  Today, thank God, I’m better than I ever was.